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What You Need to Know

Kids, kids, kids! You have to buy them a booster seat and they always shit their diapers. What are we going to do with these kids!?

First off, I want you to forget everything you’ve learned about safety. It’s just me and you now. Do you want a drink? Please treat yourself to some Dr. Pepper® and follow along with my tips.

1) Kids from Mars and Their Xanax Bars

Buy a bondage kit for your kids. Then modify it into a “Child Safety Suspension System”. It may sound a little creepy at first, but your kids will love it once they’re aware of its benefits. Just make sure the restraints are rubber so they can bounce around like kids should bounce around. It will help reminding them that Tigger likes to bounce. In all serious, I understand this may sound socially unacceptable and morally wrong. And I’ll just leave it at that, and yeah I can see that. Society will continue to evolve, however. All your negative emotions will vanish once you realize your kids are safe and having fun trying to escape the game.

2) Methylphenidate Will Set ‘Em Straight

Did you know that if you install a TV in your car the kids will sit down and shut up? It works better than Ritalin! I highly suggest this kids show called Yo Gabba Gabba. I looked up some clips on YouTube and some of the guest music is pretty good. Includes MGMT, Black Kids, Of Montreal, and Ting Tings among others. If anyone questions your razor sharp focus on this seemingly simple show, tell them it was just on while you were talking to the kids. Then pat yourself on the back for monitoring what your kids watch.

3) Nick Jr. Edition

Tell your kids that you removed the airbags; they may be less likely to bounce around and annoy the piss out of you. But dishonesty is never a good policy by any means. So, actually remove the airbags from the car. If they question your judgment, just remind them that you grew up without dashboard airbags. The typical child will proceed to STFU. If not, seek a Ritalin prescription because you’re a terrible parent for not having kids that sit still and not move.

And that’s all you need to know for now.

Written by Likes to Ramble

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