I feel like this class has improved my writing dramatically – I have moved from sporadically writing about anything to frequently writing about nothing, which is obviously a great leap forward. I look forward to this time next year when I will hopefully be writing constantly but seeing no ink appear on the page at all.

Possibly the most important thing I’ll take away from this class is the way words are spelled – especially big words, like “irony” and “refutation”. Orthography is surely one of the most important fields of study of our time, second only to religion and possibly archaeology. I now realize that there can only be one way to spell “refutation”, that it must include at least two ‘t’s and an ‘f’. Any other way is just wrong. Back in my dark days, I might have drawn a surfboarding shark by mistake.

I have accepted how important it is to use commas in the prescribed way, and only the prescribed way. Smooth phrasing and logical sentence structure should always come second to tradition and conformity. It has also come to my attention that when using quotation marks, a comma needs to be placed at the end, but before the last quotation. Regardless of whether it makes any sense whatsoever, and even though it mutilates an otherwise perfectly good string of characters, that’s just how it’s done. Best not to question it.

The students in this class are of a very educated folk, and I know I am very lucky to have had this opportunity to teach them and to learn from them. The experience shared will surely last a lifetime or two. In particular, the ones who think war censorship is nifty are the ones who will forever plague my memory. I do hope though that that one girl will come to accept that Swedes are people too, even if they do talk funny. It is a very good thing the prof took attendance every day (and deducted points for absences) or I might not have gone at all, and such wonderful fortune may have passed me by.

There have been untold times when I’ve walked into class practically blind and left feeling as though I had had my eyes opened for the very first time, with some new fantastic revelation. Have you ever seen The Matrix? It was like that, only with more poetry. Well, more Spoon River Anthology, anyway.

I currently own $10, 946 worth in gold from Goldline, as you recommended. When the economy collapses again, I will not be left behind. Sadly, when my attic collapses again, I will have to move the coins somewhere else. The last time they fell on me, I was nearly crushed.

I remember that day on your radio show when you were talking about the Marxist invasion of our homes. I was probably paying twice as much attention to you as I was to the road! Coincidentally, I went plowing into a ditch and dislocated both of my shoulders, but when the Marxists showed up at my door, I was ready for them.

I have also become a devout Mormon, although I do not know exactly what that is. If you lose your home as a result of this, I want you to know that you can store your chalkboards in my garage.

I used to have a friend who had a brown, ugly dog. His name was Woofers. I don’t understand why anyone would want an ugly pet. It used to run out to the road and bark at anyone who walked by. That is, until the day when it was suddenly hit by a car. Incidentally, Coke is great for getting bloodstains off your bumper before the cops show up. Anyway, after that Woofers didn’t want to be friends with me any more. Some people need to learn to forgive and forget.

The neat thing about pets is that they look cute but they can also be used to exact vengeance on your enemies or total strangers. My parents used to have a cat that would immediately scratch anybody who entered the house. Whenever Jehovah’s Witnesses showed up at the door, we would act all interested and invite them in for tea. They had to tolerate the scratching – we told them we couldn’t put the cat in another room because we were too afraid of it.

Another benefit of having a pet is that, unlike people, pets don’t talk. This is good in two ways: firstly, you don’t have to worry about your pets yelling out the answers when you’re trying to watch Jeopardy. Secondly, no matter what you do to them, they can’t tell anyone.

When I get my pet, it will be the happiest pet ever. We will play fetch and paintball and we will re-enact my favourite Western movies. I will be sure to feed it every day unless I forget or am angry at it.

Step 1: Choose the type of bread you want to use

Step 2: Put the bread in the toaster

Step 3: Butter the toast, then put 1-2 slices of cheese on the toast

Step 4: Put the sandwich in the microwave for 30 seconds

Step 5: Enjoy

Firstly, what do scientists have against God? Why is it that I never read any “scientific” papers that prove he does exist? Is it just me, or does every person claiming to be an “intellectual” deny the greatness of our Lord?

Secondly, why all the big words? Why can’t they speak English? They always use complicated terms like DNA and H₂O instead of just telling us what they’re talking about. H₂O is water, by the way — but a scientific paper won’t tell you that. I don’t even know what DNA is supposed to mean, probably alcohol or something.

Thirdly, if medicine doctors are so good at curing things, why are there so many diseases out there that have yet to be cured? They keep their patients in the hospitals for weeks (and charging them big money) instead of just fixing what’s broken and sending them on their way. I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but it’s pretty clear that’s what’s happening.

Lastly, if, as they claim, they can’t cure these diseases, why do we keep funding medical research? If it’s done, it’s done. It’s not like they could have ever reversed God’s will anyway. We could be using that money for something useful, like a bigger army, or more bibles for starving kids in the Middle East.

I don’t know how we’re supposed to keep blindly trusting these so-called scientists. They lie, they make up facts, and worst of all, they appear to put absolute faith in their little “textbooks”.

There are some outrageous disgusting unforgivable acts going on in the world. Back then, we would have burned these people at the stake, but today, it is far too often overlooked, almost acceptable to commit these kinds of atrocities. And in these dark times, I can only cling to my bible for protection against the evils of the world.

I want my children to be able to grow up in an environment where they can feel safe. The last thing I want for them is for them to feel pressured by society, which is getting increasingly dangerous, not to mention sinful.

By this point, I’m sure you’ve all figured out what this great threat to our liberty is. This is a disease – a disease so powerful that when good young boys contract it, they instantly kill themselves. Yes, I am talking about the gay.

Over the past century, the gay has become one of the most deadly forces facing Americans. It has been known to turn ordinary, God-fearing people into murderers, criminals, and atheists. We need to come together and put a stop to it, right now. For the sake of our future. Because, damn it, I will not have my children marrying anyone of the same gender, whether they want to or not. I know what’s best for them, even when they’re forty years old.

So what can we do? The only way to stop the spread of the gay is to kill anyone showing symptoms on sight. Get out your gun – if you’re a true American, you have at least three of these – and shoot them before it’s too late. Kill them before they kill you! Or worse! YOU could catch the gay! Or your family! DO YOU WANT YOUR WIFE TO CONTRACT THE GAY???

That’s why I made this satirical newspaper last year.

Click the images to enlarge.

And to really succeed, you need to learn how to walk this line carefully.

Your bed is allowed to be made, unmade, or nonexistent. No one gives a shit about how you sleep as long as they can’t see anything crusty.

The desk is one of the key parts of your home, where you store all your important paperwork, your writing supplies, and maybe even a computer if you have room. When it comes to desks, you’re generally in the clear as long as the stacks of papers don’t dwarf that old CRT monitor.

Having a messy desk is acceptable within reason, especially if you’re in a dorm. Schoolwork piles up on all of us, right? It’s okay to have a bunch of I’ll-get-around-to-it-after-this-party homework on your desk. Watch out for valuables, though; a messy desk might look like an impenetrable fortress to you, but people in search of your loose change and weed will search the desk.

If you’re in a dorm, your table is probably also your desk. There are two main states that a table can be in:

But not all forms of binging are appropriate. For example:

There are three main states that your trash can be:

Totally empty is acceptable. This is the ideal state, though you have to watch the states of the rest of your room. If your entire room is messy, but your trash can is clean, people will just assume that someone puked in there and you wanted to get rid of it, which can quickly roll it over into unacceptable territory.

Unless the trash can is in the middle of the room (UNACCEPTABLE), no one really cares if it’s full of junk.

After clearing the old gravy off your desk, you have to empty the trash. If people are coming over later, crumple a bunch of papers up to make the trash can look more full. If they ask why your bin is full of crumpled papers, tell them you’re an art major.

Pretty much everyone appreciates a good clean floor. This goes double if you expect people to take their shoes off when entering your room.

It might look kind of cool if you have so much junk on the floor that you can’t even see the actual floor anymore, but unless you’re willing to commit to such an arrangement you’re better off just keeping the place clean. Besides, do you really want people to get papercuts from walking barefoot on your I’ll-get-around-to-it-after-this-party floor-homework?

And that’s all the advice I have for now.

First off, I want you to forget everything you’ve learned about safety. It’s just me and you now. Do you want a drink? Please treat yourself to some Dr. Pepper® and follow along with my tips.

1) Kids from Mars and Their Xanax Bars

Buy a bondage kit for your kids. Then modify it into a “Child Safety Suspension System”. It may sound a little creepy at first, but your kids will love it once they’re aware of its benefits. Just make sure the restraints are rubber so they can bounce around like kids should bounce around. It will help reminding them that Tigger likes to bounce. In all serious, I understand this may sound socially unacceptable and morally wrong. And I’ll just leave it at that, and yeah I can see that. Society will continue to evolve, however. All your negative emotions will vanish once you realize your kids are safe and having fun trying to escape the game.

2) Methylphenidate Will Set ‘Em Straight

Did you know that if you install a TV in your car the kids will sit down and shut up? It works better than Ritalin! I highly suggest this kids show called Yo Gabba Gabba. I looked up some clips on YouTube and some of the guest music is pretty good. Includes MGMT, Black Kids, Of Montreal, and Ting Tings among others. If anyone questions your razor sharp focus on this seemingly simple show, tell them it was just on while you were talking to the kids. Then pat yourself on the back for monitoring what your kids watch.

3) Nick Jr. Edition

Tell your kids that you removed the airbags; they may be less likely to bounce around and annoy the piss out of you. But dishonesty is never a good policy by any means. So, actually remove the airbags from the car. If they question your judgment, just remind them that you grew up without dashboard airbags. The typical child will proceed to STFU. If not, seek a Ritalin prescription because you’re a terrible parent for not having kids that sit still and not move.

And that’s all you need to know for now.

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5. The Zombie Survival Guide
As I’ve stated before, I love zombies. It’s a guilty pleasure at this point. The zombie subgenre really shouldn’t continue to be around; at its best it’s a huge cliche that keeps getting retreaded, and at its worst it’s an insult to the original films by George A. Romero. Yet, I still think zombies are awesome, and I’m really glad that they’re still popular.

The zombie comedy, however, is coming to a close. I really think Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland have run through all the humour a pure zombie comedy could have, and a film adaptation of The Zombie Survival Guide would only be yet another comedic zombie movie. It’s possible that the screenplay could make it over-the-top in the same fashion as the book, which hasn’t been done for a zombie movie yet as far as I know, but that sense of humour would get tiring really quickly.

4. Monopoly
What would be better than a film based on the most popular board game in the United States? Almost anything, I’d think. As if the game wasn’t boring enough as it is! Who wants to watch an old man make super exciting retail estate dealings for two hours? Though I admit, I look forward to seeing that thimble playing piece as a cute CGI mascot. Besides, don’t we already have a movie about how much monopolies suck?

And Citizen Kane was kind of good, so the Monopoly movie is going to have a hard time competing. Besides, do you really want to see rule 34 applied to the thimble even more so than it already is? I don’t.

3. The Magic School Bus
Wouldn’t life be better if there existed a hardcore action movie based on the Magic School Bus? The film takes place twenty years after the events of the TV show. Liz has been kidnapped by an evil corporation bent on destroying science education forever. The movie follows the students as they reunite under Obi-Wan The Frizz and battle the evil Ben Stein, who has used the kidnapping as an excuse to lead our heroes into a deathtrap!

Our protagonist is Arnold Schwarzenegger as “I shoulda stayed home today” Arnold, who has somehow turned into a muscle-bound Austrian politician in the last twenty years. Seriously people, this movie writes itself. Someone get Michael Bay on the phone.

2. The Sims
Has The Sims ever been more than a voyeuristic dollhouse/murder-simulator? How do you turn that into a movie? The way I see it, there are two options:

a) A reality show in movie form, with a twist ending. The first act introduces all the Sims and establishes their various motives, desires, fears, etc. The second act shows the Sims sleeping for an hour or so, sped up to run eight times as fast as it was filmed. The third act is when God comes down and sets fire to everything.

b) A Truman Show rip-off, with Truman’s fear of water replaced with Truman’s fear of fire.

Either way, the movie might actually have a chance at the box office thanks to all the searing flesh that will be included — but I’ll give it a scathing review on my blog, and that means it’s bad.

1. Twitter
Do I even need to explain this one?