Step 1: Choose the type of bread you want to use

Step 2: Put the bread in the toaster

Step 3: Butter the toast, then put 1-2 slices of cheese on the toast

Step 4: Put the sandwich in the microwave for 30 seconds

Step 5: Enjoy

I know where you’re coming from. Sometimes I can’t stand writing essays for classes, too. But overall, I still think essays are a great genre of writing; they’re just frequently maligned by people who either get disheartened with lame topic assignments, or people who just don’t like writing in the first place. But I think a lot of people just look at it from the wrong perspective.

Forget everything you know about essays.

Essays are not five paragraphs long. Essays are arguments, plain and simple. A well-written essay should read like one side of a great debate: it states what the argument (or thesis) is, it brings up all the counterpoints, disproves them, and draws a conclusion from the mess. It’s all about the journey from thesis to conclusion, and that journey can, theoretically, be however long you want.

Of course, sometimes (especially in high school) you get stuck with overly-restrictive guidelines for your essay, and you have to follow those. But try to find the fun in writing an essay. This is basically your only chance to argue with the prof without getting an automatic F, so be a real asshole about it.

Here are some tips that could help you write better essays faster:

1) Write snappy bookends

No matter how caught up you get in the aforementioned “be an asshole” suggestion, always remember that your essay is still a written work that needs to be paced properly. There’s no narrative, so the pacing obviously has nothing to do with plot advancement; rather, pacing your essay properly is about bookends: the things that go on either side of something. This “something” can be the entire essay (in which case your bookends are the introduction and conclusion) or just a single paragraph (in which case they’re the transitional sentences).

Maybe it sounds like a cliche to you, but the conclusion is the most important part of your essay other than the thesis itself. In fact, all bookends are very important — without them, your paper would read more like a mess of thoughts than something planned by an intelligent human being. Bookends are like palate cleaners that refresh the reader in between everything else, gently guiding them to your points so they don’t get overwhelmed.

Let’s look at an example. Here’s the first paragraph of our hypothetical “dogs are better than cats” essay:

Professor K. Eirsley, head of the animal sciences faculty at Quendelton State University, has long argued that cats make better companions than dogs. Over the years, many have challenged his opinions by insisting that the preference for one domesticated animal over the other is subjective; however, if one examines the evidence as presented, one has to come to the conclusion that Eirsley does have a point: this is an issue with an objective answer. The only problem is, Eirsley’s answer is wrong. Cats are not inherently bad, but dogs are better companions in the long run.

This paragraph is firstly the front bookend (bookstart?) for the entire essay — it eases the reader into your argument and provides some context for the argument. A good question to ask yourself when writing the introduction is, “What’s happened so far?” You’re not the first to say something related to your essay, so make sure to talk about other things that have already been said about it. Starting off with a quote (or near-quote, as above) is a bit cliche, but that’s not going to be a problem unless you plan on becoming a professional essayist or something.

This introduction — and every other paragraph — also has bookends within itself. The first sentence here is a statement related to the topic of the essay, and the last sentence is a counter-statement that leads into the rest of your argument (which will eventually prove the first sentence wrong).

The next paragraph in your essay would be something like this:

One key thing that makes dogs better companions is how much easier they are to keep clean than cats are. A study in Useless Statistics Daily in August 2007 proved that over 80% of dogs like being wet, while only slightly under 12% of cats do. Being easier to clean means that dogs will smell better on average, which is important for a happy home life. In families with children, it is not uncommon for a child to want to wash a dog personally; the fact that they are easier to clean means that the child will not be in as much danger of the animal snapping at him or her, and it can be a great experience for the child.

(Yeah, I know this isn’t a very good essay. It’s just an example.)

The thing to take away from the second paragraph is how the first sentence ties into the last sentence of the previous paragraph above. This is how the bookends function as transitional sentences, linking the different ideas in the essay together for a smoother read. This all ties back into pacing, which is very important.

2) Make your thesis bold

The thesis of your essay is just a sentence that defines the key argument you’re making in as succinct and accurate a manner as you can manage. It’s very important that the thesis be bold; no “I think”s or similar wishy-washy language, but a flat-out statement as if it’s fact. Recall that the thesis in the example essay above was, “Cats are not inherently bad, but dogs are better companions in the long run.” You’re not saying that you think dogs are better, you’re saying that dogs are better.

Oftentimes you’ll find that your thesis is quite long, which is fine, but make an effort to keep it short. A punchy, simple sentence sounds bolder than something full of commas and the word “whereas”. In fact, try never using the word “whereas” ever. That word is like a poison that kills your essay; it makes everything look stilted and fake unless you use it very carefully.

Depending on the specifications of your professor or just personal preference, you may want to summarize your supporting points within the thesis itself. I tend not to do this, but lots of people do and it’s an integral part of the five-paragraph format if you’re adhering to that. In that case, the thesis of our example essay would be something like, “Cats are not inherently bad, but dogs are better companions in the long run for a variety of reasons: they are easier to keep clean, they show more affection on average than cats, and they literally crap money.”

(Please note that dogs do not literally crap money. This is just an example.)

3) Write strong body paragraphs (the supporting points)

The body is obviously the meat of your essay. Everything else is just presentation, making sure the reader takes your essay seriously and remembers everything. If the supporting points presented in your body paragraphs aren’t convincing, no one will care about the essay (and you’ll almost certainly fail the assignment).

What a supporting point is should be obvious to you. If your thesis says dogs are better than cats, you should have multiple supporting points to explain why this is; three is pretty much the minimum, as I’m sure high school taught you, but the more evidence the better.

A supporting point pretty much gets its own mini-thesis, a topic sentence. Recalling our second paragraph above, the topic sentence is, “One key thing that makes dogs better companions is how much easier they are to keep clean than cats are.” That tells the reader what the body paragraph is about, similar to how the thesis tells the reader what the entire essay is about. After the first sentence tells what the paragraph is about, the rest of the paragraph should a) prove that the claim made in the first sentence is true, and b) explain why this is relevant to the thesis. Of course the first and last sentences should still function as bookends.

Each unique supporting point should get one paragraph to itself at the very least, unless arguing the point takes a really long time, in which case you should consider splitting it into multiple related points (thus multiple paragraphs). For example, a second paragraph starting with something like, “One key thing that makes dogs better companions is how much easier they are to have around the house,” would be too general to fit the proofs into one paragraph. You could split it into multiple paragraphs looking at specific examples of how dogs are easier to have around: how they’re easier to keep clean, how they’re better with kids, how they don’t climb on furniture, etc.

4) Have a high-quality argument

How to formulate a convincing argument is beyond the scope of this article (and beyond my ability to even write). However, bear in mind that the quality of your argument will pretty much determine whether your essay is good or not. Now would be a good time to learn how to debate; a lot of schools have classes on it, or you could just watch the debate teams (most schools have those, too). Watch for logical fallacies and use analogies to get your point across.

Appearing to have a bias towards one side of your argument could make your readers roll their eyes and discount the whole essay. There is a difference between being bold and being biased; tell us that something is, but make us believe that you’ve come to this conclusion through logic, not emotion. Nothing’s more tragic to me than someone who argues for a cause I support, but displays a clear bias and gives the whole cause a bad name.

(I’m looking at you gay rights advocates, pro-piracy groups, and drug policy reformers.)

5) Do research and plan ahead

And do it in advance! I’ve never personally had an issue with writing an essay the day before the deadline, but you definitely can’t do research the day before without turning in a shoddy product. At least a few days before you sit down to write, spend a couple hours in the library, on the internet, and reading your textbook (you know, that thing you were supposed to be reading since the first day of class). Jot down notes or highlight any pertinent information, copy down all the information needed to cite the source later, and try to figure out just how you’re going to present and analyze this information in your essay.

Go ahead and use Wikipedia, but don’t cite it. It’s a good place to get an overview of your topic, but that’s about all; specific information should come from sources that aren’t open to constantly being edited. Go to the bottom of the articles you look up and check out the sources that Wikipedia takes its information from; if there are no sources, you probably shouldn’t take the article terribly seriously. Technically this should apply to all encyclopedias, but profs are notoriously paranoid about Wikipedia in particular, so make sure not to cite it.

There are a truly stupid number of formats for citations that all convey the exact same information. Follow the instructions for the assignment if any certain format is requested; otherwise, go with something simple and common like APA or MLA style. Bibme is a great app to use for constructing a bibliography without learning a bunch of pointless referencing styles.

6) Avoid definitions

A rule of thumb that many teachers have tried to drill into me is that an essay should only be an argument, and that the writer should always assume that the reader knows all about what’s being discussed. This is actually a good rule to keep in mind, but it can be ignored in some contexts. It is true that filling your essay with neutral explanations of what things are can detract from the pacing and boldness of the key argument, but there’s also your audience to keep in mind.

Definitions should be kept to a minimum, but consider:

1. Are the majority of your readers really familiar with this idea? Is it something they’d have to look up?
2. Are the specific points you would cover in your definition addressed in your argument, not just “fun facts”?
3. Is the definition so long that it requires its own paragraph? Will it seriously affect the pacing?

In our example essay, it is not necessary to define what dogs and cats are, why people keep them as pets, or the concept of domestication. These are all things that would technically be relevant to the topic, but would not be relevant to the thesis — they would have no effect on the actual argument and never be addressed by any supporting point, so they’re just distracting and pace-ruining.

When considering “the majority of your readers”, think about who would even be interested in reading your essay. It’s true that some aliens from a far-away galaxy might not know what cats and dogs are, but would they be interested in reading an essay about them? Probably not, so don’t cater to them by providing definitions.

An essay about conservatives and liberals probably wouldn’t need to tell the reader what those words mean. But if the essay’s thesis is how people who claim to be conservative aren’t really conservatives, then you’d be totally justified in defining the words so that you can refute specific points in the definitions that your readers wouldn’t otherwise be aware of. It’s all about context and audience.

Obviously you should be shooting for the briefest definitions possible here; only give a definition its own paragraph if it’s absolutely imperative that it be thorough and have attention drawn to it. Never directly quote a dictionary; nothing could be more boring. You can cite a dictionary if you want, but rephrase the definition so it reads like just another part of your essay.

7) Write an epic conclusion

Reiterate all the points from your essay, not just the thesis! This is the last paragraph of your essay, where you get one last chance to gather your points together and prove to the reader that you’re right about everything. As this is also a bookend, it should be snappy and memorable; give it some clever connection to something you said earlier in the essay. If you quoted someone in the introduction, address their quote again here (don’t quote it again, just address it). If the conclusion isn’t at least as long as the introduction, something has gone horribly wrong.

If you aren’t being held to a strict format, it might also be worthwhile to throw in a bonus one-line paragraph after the conclusion. This is a good place to throw in a quick joke (a punchline for the essay, perhaps) or give extra weight to a particularly provocative line. You probably shouldn’t do this in a serious academic context, but it’s a good idea if you have a prof with a good sense of humour, or if you plan to publish your essay to a blog or other informal medium.

The conclusion to our example essay could look like this:

Although personal preference will undoubtedly continue to be the biggest factor in determining whether a person likes dogs better than cats, it is undeniable that this is an issue with an objective answer. The fact is that dogs are easier to keep clean, that they show more affection than cats, and that they literally crap money. Cats still have their upsides, many of which are examined in detail by Professor Eirsley, but the benefits of dogs as companions out-weight the benefits of cats. In the end, dogs will always be man’s best friend.

And the bonus paragraph could be:

And woman’s, too, if internet porn has taught me anything.

(Which might not be acceptable in an academic context.)

Sometimes you just get stuck with lame topic assignments and sometimes you’re just not in the mood, but essays can be fun if you look at them the right way. This is your chance to really express your opinion, make yourself look smart, and argue with the professor. Essays really are a great genre of writing; make the most of your torture and be a real asshole about it. Arguing is always more fun if it’s got some anger and boldness to fuel it.

This tutorial will be about conversations, one of the most important elements in many movies. It might seem as simple as lining up the correct takes, but there’s a bit more to it than that. The audience will spot any slight timing mistakes, so you have to make sure everything is perfect. But what is “perfect” for a conversation?

Conversations in theory

The first thing to do when editing a conversation is to decide whether the conversation is real or unreal. “Real” conversations are typically more serious; they’re the conversations that are edited tightly so that the space between lines is for drama. This means that a “real” conversation should only leave gaps for the audience to feel an emotion. “Unreal” conversations are typically more comedic. An unreal conversation should leave gaps for the audience to process information. I like to think of them as “real” and “unreal” because the unreal conversation is something that’s much more common in storytelling than reality. An unreal conversation is usually for exposition or humour, which are things that are usually embedded in emotion when done by actual people.

What this all means is that, the vast majority of the time, dramatic dialogue moves faster than comedic dialogue or exposition. Because drama is understood mainly through emotions, it’s not something you need to slow down for; the audience will understand right away. Comedy and exposition are things that the audience needs to think about (in order to find the humour or to understand the information), so you need to give the dialogue more breathing room.

In many cases, it makes absolutely no difference whether you categorize a conversation as “real” or “unreal”. Just edit however you see fit, then watch it back and see if it sounds right. If the joke goes too fast for anybody to laugh at it, you’ll know that you need to slow it down. It has nothing to do with how “realistic” the conversation is: if it sounds right, it is right.

Conversations in practice

To edit a conversation properly, you need one video track and two audio tracks. This means that free editing software such as Movie Maker or iMovie cannot edit a conversation as well as prosumer-level software such as Pinnacle or Vegas. If you’re really interested in video editing, you need to invest in some decent software.

Start out your conversation by picking out the takes you want and placing them in order. Put the audio for each take onto one of the audio tracks aligned with the video track. Alternate the audio track for each clip, so the first audio clip goes on track 1, the second on track 2, the third on track 1 again, and so on.

Do some trimming so that the video clips are timed correctly. It doesn’t matter too much if you can’t decide whether your conversation is “unreal” or “real” at this point; you can just go back and fix things later if you need to.

To make a good conversation, you need to never cut the audio. The audio clips for the dialogue should always crossfade into one another. The best way to explain this is with a picture.

This is an unreal conversation, with large gaps between the lines. If it were real, the dialogue would be much closer together.

Notice how there are no cuts in the audio? Compare it to the video track, which has several cuts. This is a matter of basic logic more than anything: if you imagine your conversation as an actual event, it makes sense that you would abruptly change view to see the different people. But when would the audio ever cut? It wouldn’t. Audio needs to be smooth all the time or it sounds very amateurish.

Once you’ve mixed the audio smoothly and put your video in the right order, you’re ready to playback your edited project. Try to listen from an outsider’s perspective and determine if the conversation is moving at the right speed. With modern non-linear editing software, it’s incredibly easy to go back and make minor changes to the pacing. Continue to watch your conversation and edit until it’s perfect.

First a little background information on what this is. A bunch of Mexicans tripped on it to justify their religious bullshit and now kids on Youtube embarrass their families on it. Salvia is an extremely potent hallucinogen that, depending on the dosage, can range from mild disorientation to completely losing self awareness while in a dream-like stupor.

Understand its not a party drug. Any tool that has the potential to give you a microscope view into your unconsciousness is exactly that: a tool. You need a reason to want to take a drug such as this – to gain insight into personal issues, interpret the world differently — but if you’re expecting a cheap buzz, you will be sorely disappointed.

STEP 1: Find a source
Salvia is very easy to obtain compared to most psychoactive drugs. You can go to Grasscity and buy nine grams of leaves for $20 or just google around, but it usually stays in that price range. For a first time user, I highly suggest staying away from the extracts, starting with the less-potent leaves as you acquaint yourself with the drug’s effects. Or if you don’t live in a state that made the legality the equivalent to child molestation like me, go to your local gas station.

STEP 2: Find a trip sitter
This is the most important step. Everyone’s brain chemistry is different. Salvia is a k-opioid agonist, meaning, it switches on a certain class of receptors that are widely distributed in your brain. Because scientific research is limited I feel confident in saying it is very unpredictable and there is no telling how any single individual might react to it. Some people move around in a confused state while others don’t. You never know. Don’t come back to reality to witness your house on fire! Make sure a sober friend is nearby and that they have a basic understanding of the drug.

STEP 3: Turn the lights out!
To fully experience the dissociative effects, especially at lower doses (such as leaves), you will want to make sure there are no visual distractions. Make sure you can trip in a comfortable space such as a bed or a really nice chair. Don’t do Salvia while standing up or in a folding chair. You may also want to turn on some music as it sounds very awesome on Salvia.

STEP 4: How to hit it
Once you’ve planned your environment and your trip sitter, now is the time for you to smoke it. You will need a bong (water pipe) to get the most concentrated smoke. Salvia blunts generally don’t do much for people. The active ingredient, Salvinorum A, has to combust at a very high temperature – more so than weed or tobacco, so be sure to hold the flame over the leaves during the entire bong rip. Release the carb and try to hold it in as long as physically possible after the chamber is loaded with smoke.

STEP 5: Trip
After that you should be in outer space or something. But if not, always repeat! Most trips last about five minutes but from your point of view it can be perceived as far longer than it really is. If you start to freak out, try to remember that its a temporary state. You may start to forget who you are and may start seeing your life as an inanimate object or as another person — don’t worry, it’s fine!

STEP 6: Reflect on your trip
Did the experience have any applicable insight on your everyday life? Was there anything interesting you learned or was your brain going on auto-pilot at least enjoyable to you? Was it horrifying?!

And that’s a crash course on Salvia. Enjoy and with any drug that alters your mind, tread with caution.

WoW screenshot without the HUD

A lot of my friends have been asking me how I take such good screenshots on World of Warcraft. I know most of them probably won’t read this but I decided to write this for everyone on the internet that doesn’t know how to take a perfect screenshot in the game.

First off, there is no way to choose whether World of Warcraft is in day or night mode. World of Warcraft runs on a day and night cycle, keeping up with real life. This means that when you play at night, it’s night in the game. It’s the same with day, sunset, sunrise etc.

Second, there are no downloadable AddOns or tools that can help you take better screenshots. The HUD and everything else  can be removed for the screenshot by pressing ALT + Z at the same time; pressing it again will restore everything.

Third, arrange and line up your camera for the screenshot the way you want it. Remember, you can zoom right in to first person view to take a landscape shot without your character in the way.

Fourth, screenshots are taken by pressing Prt Scrn (Print Screen) and are then saved in a folder named screenshots within the games install folder. You will normally find the folder here – C:\Program Files\World of Warcraft\Screenshots.

I hope that this helped you understand how you can take better screenshots in World of Warcraft. Have a great journey!