• Being woefully out of touch with current trends.
• Somehow having no recollection at all of what being young is like.
• The belief that marriage is still of utmost relevance.
• Misogyny (especially the self-loathing internalized-inferiority mother).
• Inexplicable racism that only seems to appear when all the Arabs are out of the room.

Obviously not everyone’s parents are like that, but certainly most people’s seem to be. I actually have a cousin who recently became a parent and the change is startling; in a scant few years she went from a partying sorority chick stereotype to a doting, paranoid carbon copy of everyone’s mom. Unfortunately she was off-screen (and out of town) for most of this transformation, so the details are still a bit sketchy; presumably a cocoon was involved at some point.

My point here is that no matter how enlightened people think we are, we still have godawful parents. It’s just a fact of life. Parents are human; they’re always going to be really bad at something. They’re going to make mistakes over the years that will eventually result in a fucked-up kid — like you. Nobody is ever properly prepared to raise a child. Everyone just kind of wings it. And hell, if your parents broke up when you were younger, there’s a good chance that it was your fault, no matter what your therapist said. Kids are stressful, and stress ruins relationships.

But in the end, this is the best we’ve got, and how bad could it be? Parents are human, after all; they’ve got to be good at something. I wouldn’t want to trust the government with educating parents on proper parenting, anyway, given how much they’ve managed to ruin the school system.

There is one thing I’d like to bitch about, however: expectations.

Fact: Your kid is not going to be an astronaut. Your kid is almost certainly going to be part of the 99% of people who are utterly worthless and will be forgotten by history. Hardly anyone will ever give as much of a shit about your kid as you do. That doesn’t give you an excuse to “try harder” and motivate your kid to be the most incredible person ever born, because of yet another annoying fact: kids are human. They’re going to fail. A lot.

It’s really been getting to me recently just how much these expectations can hurt the child, though. And I’m not just talking about careers and moral values, but basic issues of self-identity as well. I’ve already mentioned circumcision a million times, but it ties directly into this. Parents get unnecessary and potentially harmful non-consensual surgeries performed on children because they think the kid will thank them later.

Repeat: Cosmetic surgery is performed on infants based on a fucking hunch. A case could be made for parents as psychopathic maniacs, stitching their kids into whatever shape they please because the voices in their heads say so. Now obviously that’s not what the intention is, but that’s what actually happens.

It applies just as much to other facets of parenting. Parents deck their kids out in pink or blue depending on their sex; buy them trucks or dolls and act shocked if they don’t like what they’re “supposed” to like; get them to play with other kids of the same class and social group; and teach them, firmly, consciously or not, that the world doesn’t want them for who they are, but for who they should be. I’m talking about sexism, mostly, though there’s that streak of homophobia in there too. The idea is for kids to be normal above all else; even if they’re also pressured to be incredible superhuman astronauts, they should do it in a conventional way.

How many people have parents who honestly explained why things were? For most people, their parents would come up with rules that should be followed “just because”. This blind adherence to authority may be helpful in the short term, but I dare you to find any legitimately successful people who got where they are by blindly deferring to others. If you want your kids to be independent, you have to teach them to think for themselves.

I’m trying not to bring my own parents into this post, since I do love them dearly and wouldn’t want to slander them on the internet. But draw your own conclusions and I won’t bother arguing.

Parents fucking suck.

First off, I want you to forget everything you’ve learned about safety. It’s just me and you now. Do you want a drink? Please treat yourself to some Dr. Pepper® and follow along with my tips.

1) Kids from Mars and Their Xanax Bars

Buy a bondage kit for your kids. Then modify it into a “Child Safety Suspension System”. It may sound a little creepy at first, but your kids will love it once they’re aware of its benefits. Just make sure the restraints are rubber so they can bounce around like kids should bounce around. It will help reminding them that Tigger likes to bounce. In all serious, I understand this may sound socially unacceptable and morally wrong. And I’ll just leave it at that, and yeah I can see that. Society will continue to evolve, however. All your negative emotions will vanish once you realize your kids are safe and having fun trying to escape the game.

2) Methylphenidate Will Set ‘Em Straight

Did you know that if you install a TV in your car the kids will sit down and shut up? It works better than Ritalin! I highly suggest this kids show called Yo Gabba Gabba. I looked up some clips on YouTube and some of the guest music is pretty good. Includes MGMT, Black Kids, Of Montreal, and Ting Tings among others. If anyone questions your razor sharp focus on this seemingly simple show, tell them it was just on while you were talking to the kids. Then pat yourself on the back for monitoring what your kids watch.

3) Nick Jr. Edition

Tell your kids that you removed the airbags; they may be less likely to bounce around and annoy the piss out of you. But dishonesty is never a good policy by any means. So, actually remove the airbags from the car. If they question your judgment, just remind them that you grew up without dashboard airbags. The typical child will proceed to STFU. If not, seek a Ritalin prescription because you’re a terrible parent for not having kids that sit still and not move.

And that’s all you need to know for now.

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The foreskin is not a necessary part of the penis — in the sense that it doesn’t actually affect the man’s reproductive function — but cutting it off is entirely unnecessary. In fact, it goes beyond being unnecessary. Circumcision in this day and age is flat-out stupid. It’s not a big deal, no, but it gets way less controversy than it deserves.

There are five horrible arguments I see people make in support of circumcision: let’s rip them to shreds.

5) “My religion says that men need to be circumcised.”

This is probably the best reason to get your son circumcised, I’ll admit. It’s stupid, but at least it doesn’t pretend to be anything more than a vague excuse. Saying “my religion says so” is the equivalent to plugging your ears and humming, really.

But really, who cares about your religion? It’s always annoyed me how religious people like to pick and choose things to believe. Whenever something makes no sense or gets thoroughly disproven through science, the religious have a tendency to excuse whatever conflicting dogma they have — so it’s an allegory now? Fair enough, but if you’re going to ignore bits of your religion anyway, just ignore the part about circumcision as well.

I’ll be honest: I hate religion. Can’t stand it. Even so, I accept that people have a right to believe what they want. What I don’t accept is using your beliefs to circumcise your son, who might not even have the same beliefs as you. It’s not like you’d know.

4) “The foreskin can cause health problems.”

This is the most infuriating, but it’s low on the list because it’s not as common as it used to be. Still, I do occasionally talk to people who labour under the impression that circumcision is “good for you”. IT ISN’T! And some people just refuse to accept this fact. How hard is it to understand?

Yes, it is technically true that circumcision at birth can prevent certain medical problems such as phimosis. But how common is phimosis? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not! No matter what all the over-diagnoses from paranoid parents and ridiculous old wives’ tales say, the vast majority of men do not have a hard time retracting their foreskin.

That applies to pretty much every medical myth about circumcision. There’s no significant medical benefit to circumcision, and anyone who says otherwise — based on some urban legend — is woefully misinformed.

3) “Circumcised is easier to clean!”

This argument is just baffling to me. Are uncircumcised penises really that hard to clean? According to a lot of people who aren’t uncircumcised men, yes they are. According to everyone else, what the hell are you talking about? That makes no sense. Do you have a hard time cleaning under your arms, too?

There’s no greater way to say “I have no confidence in my son whatsoever” than to get him cut at birth. You don’t even know him yet and you already think he’s a slob! Seriously, it might be uncomfortable if you have to remind your son to wash behind his ears penis, but that won’t even be necessary. He can figure it out on his own, I’m sure.

2) “It feels better for a woman!”

And gay men, presumably, but nobody ever mentions that. All I can say to this is, how the hell do you know? Most countries aren’t split evenly: either a huge number of people are circumcised, or almost no one is. It’s very unlikely for someone to have experience with both cut and uncut penises, in significant enough numbers to actually be able to have a non-bullshit opinion on the matter. And even if you do have the credentials necessary to shout your opinion, it doesn’t even matter. That’s still just your opinion. If there were an obvious winner in the war of “what penises feel better”, it would be common knowledge. Yet people give different answers to the “what feels better” question, usually in direct relation to what is more common in their country.

Beyond your son’s hypothetical future partner, there’s also his sensation to think about. Some people who have had circumcisions later in life say the sensation is worse, and some say that it’s the same. No one says that it’s better, except for the people who have no way of telling. So the option you’re given is thus: have no effect on the sensation whatsoever, rendering the surgery pointless in that regard, or have a negative effect on the sensation, which is a bad thing. Unless you want your son to have less sensation.

I’ve heard the excuse that being less sensitive is a good thing, because then the man can last longer and let his partner have an orgasm first. The people who honestly think this have a) no confidence in their son again, and b) an intimate knowledge of old sitcom cliches. Just shut the hell up already, please. That whole “women are hard to please” shit is getting more annoying by the day.

1) “It looks better circumcised!”

So what, you’re a penis connoisseur? People’s opinions on the aesthetic show the same pattern as above: their preferences depend on what’s most common in their country. So yes, most people in the USA would say they like cut penises better. That could be a valid reason to get your son circumcised: you want him to be accepted by his future lovers, you don’t want him to be ugly, or “different”, or whatever. That’s a good thing for a parent to think about. But you still have to take a risk with it: what if the surgery goes wrong?

It’s not likely in this day and age, but it’s certainly possible. And is it really worth it to take a risk just for the sake of looks? Would you support his expensive plastic surgery, too? Getting it cut just because you think it looks better is a silly reason; a silent way of saying, “Yeah, I don’t really have a reason. I’m just going with the crowd because I’m too lazy to resist.”

Circumcision represents something. Whether your country makes it the norm or not, making your decision based on that fact alone shows that you can’t be bothered thinking for yourself, and you have a disregard for your son, however slight it may be. You should do research and make an educated decision, because myths and misconceptions are rampant when it comes to routine practices like this.

Many circumcised men won’t want to think about it, or they’ll fudge up an answer so they don’t have to think negatively about themselves. But really, it doesn’t matter if you’re circumcised or not. Just because it’s something we should stop, doesn’t mean it’s something we should be ashamed of.

I bet my mother didn’t think I’d ever write 1300 words about penises. Your children can surprise you.