If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that some things should never be made into movies. Sometimes things only work in the medium they were originally made for — different media have different genre conventions, after all, and different conventions of pacing, development, and what have you. Everyone knows this, but sometimes the lure of money is just too much for all those poor, starving millionaires to resist. That’s why we have to have this: the five things that should never be adapted into movies, no matter how much money they would make.
5. The Zombie Survival Guide
As I’ve stated before, I love zombies. It’s a guilty pleasure at this point. The zombie subgenre really shouldn’t continue to be around; at its best it’s a huge cliche that keeps getting retreaded, and at its worst it’s an insult to the original films by George A. Romero. Yet, I still think zombies are awesome, and I’m really glad that they’re still popular.
The zombie comedy, however, is coming to a close. I really think Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland have run through all the humour a pure zombie comedy could have, and a film adaptation of The Zombie Survival Guide would only be yet another comedic zombie movie. It’s possible that the screenplay could make it over-the-top in the same fashion as the book, which hasn’t been done for a zombie movie yet as far as I know, but that sense of humour would get tiring really quickly.
What would be better than a film based on the most popular board game in the United States? Almost anything, I’d think. As if the game wasn’t boring enough as it is! Who wants to watch an old man make super exciting retail estate dealings for two hours? Though I admit, I look forward to seeing that thimble playing piece as a cute CGI mascot. Besides, don’t we already have a movie about how much monopolies suck?
And Citizen Kane was kind of good, so the Monopoly movie is going to have a hard time competing. Besides, do you really want to see rule 34 applied to the thimble even more so than it already is? I don’t.
3. The Magic School Bus
Wouldn’t life be better if there existed a hardcore action movie based on the Magic School Bus? The film takes place twenty years after the events of the TV show. Liz has been kidnapped by an evil corporation bent on destroying science education forever. The movie follows the students as they reunite under
Obi-Wan The Frizz and battle the evil Ben Stein, who has used the kidnapping as an excuse to lead our heroes into a deathtrap!
Our protagonist is Arnold Schwarzenegger as “I shoulda stayed home today” Arnold, who has somehow turned into a muscle-bound Austrian politician in the last twenty years. Seriously people, this movie writes itself. Someone get Michael Bay on the phone.
2. The Sims
Has The Sims ever been more than a voyeuristic dollhouse/murder-simulator? How do you turn that into a movie? The way I see it, there are two options:
a) A reality show in movie form, with a twist ending. The first act introduces all the Sims and establishes their various motives, desires, fears, etc. The second act shows the Sims sleeping for an hour or so, sped up to run eight times as fast as it was filmed. The third act is when God comes down and sets fire to everything.
b) A Truman Show rip-off, with Truman’s fear of water replaced with Truman’s fear of fire.
Either way, the movie might actually have a chance at the box office thanks to all the searing flesh that will be included — but I’ll give it a scathing review on my blog, and that means it’s bad.
Do I even need to explain this one?