I apologize for how depressing and personal this post is going to be. I know it’s outside of my usual style, but I’ve been going through some stuff lately and I need a place to turn to.
I’ve always been a bit of a joker. For as long as I’ve been alive, I’ve been the guy with a funny one-liner. Did it get me into trouble? You bet your ass it did — but it made me feel better, less insecure. In high school, I had great friends who would put up with my bullshit. We would always blow off classes to be involved in anything was going on, and instead of studying, we would spend entire nights together, just wandering around, doing whatever.
Despite being a pretty bad student, I graduated from high school two years ago. Since then, I’ve felt lost, going from job to menial job, trying to survive. Sometimes I think maybe if I had tried to get better grades, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I really thought I could make it on my own, but I ended up back in my parents’ house.
My parents. Fuck I can’t stand them. All they do is drink and fight. Worst of all, it’s usually about me. I’m tired of hearing how they could be happy, someplace far from here, if I had never existed. I feel trapped, like I’ll die if I never get out of this place. My friends got busy with classes and stuff, so I don’t see them as much as I used to. They still see each other all the time, which hurts. I’ve never felt isolation like this before.
But it was okay. I was getting by with the help of a friend. Okay, a really good friend. Okay, a girl. She was my life. For the first time, I felt like I really belonged. She could make me feel joy or pain with a glance. She seemed kind of dense when I first met her, but after I got to know her, I realized that she’s one of the most sensitive people I’ve ever known. As a person, I changed completely when she was there: I was no longer the feeble loser I was; I was a strong, confident, man, capable of anything.
She was my whole life, and I blew it. I did some stupid shit, and it hurt her, and that hurt me. We were going to grow old together, and I fucked it all up. Since then, I’ve been spending every waking moment trying to get her back. We still hung out with the same group of friends, so I’d been seeing her all the time, but the looks I got from her — when she did look at me — were nothing but cold.
Then she passed away.
I never changed her mind. We were never more than the most distant friends. And now she’s gone forever.
This brings me to today. How can a person move on from something like that? Will this hole inside me never go away? When I think of all the good times we had, and that we should’ve had (if not for me) it just makes me think there might be nothing left for me in this world. I can’t sleep; I can’t eat. I just can’t believe she’s really gone, that I’ll never see her again.
That’s all for now — Buffy needs me to help fight off some vampires.